Mulan, the Miniature Version AKA Bread Box
by SilverTortoise
Summary: Join Mulan, Crickee, those crazy ancestors, and all the squirrels of China in an unforgettable adventure of love and strangeness! Written after being inspired by Disney's Mulan, Jr., the Musical...
1. Cast of Characters and the Prologue

Note: I do not own Disney, Mulan, or any other plot schemes or characters thereof. However, these words are mine, so hands off! -

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Disney's

**Mulan, Miniature**

Mulan – the smart heroine

Shang, Captain of the Army – not all that bright

Mushu – a magical dragon

Crickee – for good luck!

Ancestor #1 – Honor

Ancestot #2 – Loyalty

Ancestor #3 – Strength

Ancestor #4 – Destiny

Ancestor #5 – Love

Mulan's Father – poetic and sympathetic

Mulan's Mother – monosyllabic and sympathetic

Grandma Fa

Mulan's second cousin's ex-stepbrother's room mate

Chi-fu – the one smart guy, scribe for the Chinese army

Shan-yu – leader of the Huns and sufferer of short-man's disease

The Emperor – a sufferer of even-shorter-man's disease

Matchmaker

Various monosyllabic, "state the obvious" solders who work for Shang

Various demented/dumb/monosyllabic Hun solders

Various other sons, daughters, fathers, mothers, chickens, cows, dressmakers, elephants, little bitty babies, and squirrels of China

Prologue

_(Enter the five ancestors)_

**Ancestor #1:** Welcome to Ancient China.

**Ancestor #2:** Really, it's not actually that ancient...

**Ancestor #3:** And actually, I've only been dead and spreading my immortal wisdom for three years.

**Ancestor #4:** Exactly. Well, the China in this story isn't all that dated, but one idea in our way of life can be seen that way.

**Ancestor #5: **We think that every thing's set in place, no changing it, no way, no how.

**Ancestor #1:** But we digress. We're actually here to tell ya'll about this chick named Mulan...

**Ancestor #2: **Dude, does she have it bad. While everyone is plodding around following their so-called "destiny," Mulan has to fight off all these Hun people and save China single-handedly.

**Ancestor #3:** Yeah, cuz nobody will help her. Watch and see what we mean.

**Ancestor #4:** We won't promise a tale that's riveting, romantic, and revolutionary...

**Ancestor #5:** ...but we can promise that it'll be entertaining. Farewell...

_(All exit) _

_(Fade to black.)_


	2. Scene One: Mulan Meets the Matchmaker

Again, I do not own the rights to Disney or the story of Mulan... Wish I did, but NO...

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Scene One

_(Enter Mulan and Ancestors)_

**Mulan:** Boy! All these stupid rules that you've gotta follow to be the perfect bride...

_(Ancestors sigh with pity)_

**Mulan:** Oh well, I'll just keep this up my sleeve...

_(stuffs a "cheat-sheet" up her sleeve)_

**Mulan:** Oh my gosh, I'm gonna be late!

_(enter Mulan's father)_

**Mulan's Father:** Hurry Mulan... _(emotes for a few seconds)_

**Mulan: **Ach! I'm late!

_(enter Mulan's mother, grandmother, various people from China, and Crickee)_

**Mulan's Mother:** Oooh, this is going to be fun! Let's see if we can get you ready for the matchmaker in... oh, I don't know... thirty seconds!

_(they attack Mulan and dress her up) _

**Grandmother:** Oh my, honey, you sure look cute! By the way, I just so happened to find this adorable little cricket who matches your outfit. For some weird reason, I think he might be lucky! Here you go...

**Mulan:**Ummm...

_(enter the Matchmaker, chewing loudly on a wad of gum)_

**Matchmaker:**Fa Mulan?

**Mulan:** Um, right here! I mean, present! I mean...

**Matchmaker****:** Oy! Don't speak until spoken to!

**Mulan:** But you - -

**Matchmaker****: **Shhh!

_(Mulan rubs her forehead, stumbles, and bumps into the matchmaker)_

**Matchmaker:** Augh! You clumsy idiot! Who ever said you'd make a good bride was missing a vital part of their frontal lobe! You suck!

_(exits in a huff)_

**Mulan:** Boy, this sure sucks...

_(everyone except Mulan's father exits the stage in the fastest egress ever recorded)_

**Mulan's Father:** _(after a huge pause)_ I found some pretty flowers (holds them up). But one of them wasn't open yet, so I thought that it was kind of like you: late, sorta _(pauses to emote)_...

**Mulan: **Thanks, Pa...

**Mother's Father:** It'll sure be pretty _(exits)._

**Mulan:** Oh man... What am I going to do now?

_(Ancestors wipe away tears)_

_(enter a random bailiff with half the town following him; Mulan is suddenly in a croud)_

**Random Bailiff:** Hear ye, hear ye... The Huns have invaded China!

_(audible gasp from the crowd)_

**Random Bailiff:** One _man__, _and I stress _man_because it's illegal for a _woman_to be in the army, cuz there's just too much controversy about a chick in pants... _(loses his_ _train of thought) _Um, where was I _(consults a large scroll)_? Ah! Yes! One _man_from every household is required to register in the army. Right now. Please.

_(random people who are male rush out of the crowd, bowing to the Random Bailiff)_

**Random Males:** We will fight!

_(enter Mulan's father, limping, holding a sword)_

**Mulan's Father:** Add me to your list...

**Mulan:** Um, Dad, don't you remember how you hurt your leg in the _last_war? You're limping!

**Mulan's Father:** Silence, my child... It is my honor to serve my country _(bows)._

**Random Bailiff: **All of you report to the camp tomorrow at dawn!

_(exit Random Bailiff and, inexplicably, all the other villagers)_

**Mulan:** My father, fight? He can hardly walk! Boy, do I wish I was a man. I love my parents, but they sure can be a little crazy when it comes to protecting their honor.

_(exit, fade to black)_


	3. Scene Two, and an Addition

I really don't own any of this stuff... Not Mulan, not Disney...

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Scene Two

_Scene: Mulan's family is lying on the floor on flat mattresses, oblivious to the drama unfolding. For some weird reason, her father has his helmet and sword laying beside him on the floor.)_

_(Enter Mulan, on tiptoe)_

**Mulan:** Ancestors, are you there?

_(Enter ancestors, also on tiptoe)_

**Mulan:** Well, if you can hear me, take a goos look at this, cuz now you're gonna see what happens when a girl decides to fight for her family's honor.

_(Ancestors look sypathetic)_

_(Mulan picks up her father's armor)_

_(Ancestors stifle gasps of horror and pity)_

**Mulan:** I know, I know.. Dressing up as a man isn't exactly the way I envisioned myself after visiting the matchmaker, but it's the only way. So chill _(To her unconscious family)_. Goodbye. Don't leave the doors unlocked, look both ways before you cross the street, and remember... I love you.

_(exit)_

_(exit ancestors)_

_(fade to black)_

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Scene Two, Part Two

_(enter ancestors)_

**Ancestor #1:** OK, so by now you've probably noticed that a certain little, wily red dragon who calls himself Mushu hasn't come into the story at all.

**Ancestor #2: **Yeah, there is a pretty goos reason for that, too - -

**Ancestor #3:** We all agreed - -

**Ancestor #4:** - - Yeah, we had a vote - -

**Ancestor #3:** - - and we chose to make an executive decision to remove that part of the plot from this particular version of the tale.

**Ancestor #4:** Brutal, but effective. That little squirt is history.

**Ancestor #5:** So, to replace Mushu, we decided to keep on another character to take the dragon's place...

_(enter Crickee, hesitantly)_

**Ancestor #1:** Come on, little guy; we don't bite...

**Ancestor #2:** Boy, is he in for a shock...

**Ancestor #3:** Hey, little guy... You just got a promotion!

**Ancestor #4:** Dude, this is gonna be sweet!

_(Crickee realizes what's going on, then faints)_

**Ancestor #5:** Oh boy...

_(fade to black)_


	4. Scene Three: Meet the Huns!

**YES... I don't own it!! So back off!**

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Scene Three

_Scene: An open, windswept place. In the not-so-far distance, one can see several Hun solders dragging along a rather small Chinese messenger._

**Shan-yu:** Welcome, warrior... You have found the Hun army.

_(The other two Huns nearby begin to clap and cheer until Shan-yu silences them with a look)_

**Random Chinese Solder:** Where's this _amazing_ army... Hiding in the bushes or something?

**Shan-yu:** Ignorant one, do you not know that we number in the thousands?

_(Chinese solder sticks our his tongue at Shan-yu)_

**Shan-yu: **Hey! Remember your manners, if you please...

**Random Chinese Solder:** Dude, the emperor's gonna kick your a!

**Shan-yu:** Tut, tut... such insolence! Your emperor invited me to test my strength when he built that so-called "great" wall of China. You go on, now, and tell him so.

_(the random solder scampers off)_

**Shan-yu:** And now we can invade in peace (turns to leave). Oh, yes... (clears throat)

**ARRGGH!!**

_(exit Huns)_

_(fade to black) _


	5. Scene Four: A Manly Interlude

Scene Four

Location: On a distant, lonely, ancient, Chinese road... Enter Mulan, riding a very small horse or very large pony, one is not sure which.

Mulan:_ (sighs) _OK who exactly am I kidding? I'm kind of the last person who could pass for a guy... I mean, I've got flawless skin... and... a _figure_... Wow, I feel really stupid right now.

_(Enter the ancestors, riding on weirdly transparent horses.) _

Mulan: Um..._ (squirms) _Uh, do I have a bug in my armor or something?

_(Suddenly, out of her sleeve pops Crickee, highly annoyed at having been imprisoned and then called a "bug.")_

Crickee: CHIRP!

Mulan: Hey, little guy, I remember you... My Grandma gave you to me... Kind of a weird gift...

Crickee: CHIRP!!!!!

Mulan: Wow, that's some voice you've got there, kid... Hey! By the way, do _you _think I could pass for a guy? I mean... _(attempts to lower voice into a manly growl) _HOW ABOUT THIS? IS THIS MANLY ENOUGH?

Crickee: Chirp...

Mulan: Yeah, that's what I thought...

(_exit)_


	6. Scene Five: The Chinese Army

Again, I do not own Disney, Mulan, or any of the characters listed here by name... However, the WORDS ARE MINE...

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Scene Five

_Location: The Chinese camp. Enter Mulan on horse back, enter various Chinese solders including _Captain Shang.

**Random solders:** _(speaking in unison) _SIR! Lone horseman on the horizon! SIR!

**Shang:** I see that, men... _(strikes a regal pose, hand out) _Methinks that it be a new recruit from the noble city... _(speaking in noble tones, and not quite sure why... He is seldom sure why.)_

**Mulan:** _(dismounts, clumsily) _Um, Hi!I'm... I'm a new solder! Reporting for duty!

**Shang:** That is easy to see, boy wonder, yet I still am at a loss as to your purpose here... Verily, what is thy name, fair sir? Prithee?

**Mulan:** Um... _(at a loss) _Gee, uh...

**Shang:** Thou dost not know thy own name, sir?

**Mulan:** Um, ah, this is embarrassing...

**Crickee:** _(sticking his head out of her sleeve) _CHIRP!

**Mulan:** Ah, yes... Um, _(Coughs, makes voice deeper) _my name is... PING!

**Shang:** _Ping?_

**Random solders: **_(sort of screamed)_ PING?

**Mulan:** yes, Ping... _(thinks) _Uh, you gotta problem with that? _(Smiles; this is how men talk)_

**Shang:** Nothing meant, proud warrior, nothing meant. However, methinks that there is another issue...

**Random Solders: **_(in unison)_ Yeah, just one thing...

**Mulan: **Yes?

**Shang:** Thou hast no meat.

**Mulan:** _(offended) _MEAT?

**Shang: **Meat. To be clear, thou hast no muscle. Methinks that you should pump some iron in abundance... I cannot waste time on a tiny girly-man... _(Suddenly switching to more modern language)_

**Mulan:** Sure, yeah, If that's what I gotta do...

_(Random solders gasp, throatily)_

**Mulan:** I mean, SIR YES SIR!!!!!

_(Random solders relax, begin to move off)_

**Shang:** See that thou does it, then, fair chicken... _(moves off)_

**Crickee:** _Chirp..._

**Mulan: **Yeah, _crap. _Is everyone here completely strange, or is it just me?

**Crickee: **Chirp.

**Mulan:** Swell, thanks. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Now that I'm here, I can't really see anything to fight _for... _Maybe I shouldn't have come.

**Crickee:** Chirp...

**Mulan:** Yep, I better get to working with those weights... Boy, this sucks...

**Crickee:** _(sighs, rolls eyes heavenward in hopes of cursing the ancestors) CHIRP..._

_(Exit Mulan with Crickee on her hand)_


End file.
